That Missing Stolen Bike Story

We've had a rash of garage prowling and wire theft in our neighborhood lately. My neighbors have been watching out for one another and so far no significant crimes have taken place. In a round-about Alice's Restaurant sort of way, this all reminded me of the story of my stolen (and recovered!) bicycle that I mentioned on the blog last year when it happened. It's finally time for a full explanation of that.

If you haven't heard Arlo Guthrie's song Alice's Restaurant, I highly recommend you go do that right now because I've channelled my inner Arlo to bring you this story. (My sister does a great job of putting the song in context with this article she wrote for The Encyclopedia of the Sixties.)

For the full masacree experience, play this loop of the song in the background while you continue reading below. Just get it going and wait for it to come around again on the guitar. And read it out loud in your best folk-singer voice.

It all started one year ago on a Saturday morning. (That's about nine months before this last Thanksgiving.)

I was in the garage building up a new bike. It was a rather involved project that required taking another bike apart first and I was using every implement of destruction in my toolbox, but I came up missing a bottom bracket tool and I couldn't continue on without one.

So I called a friend of mine and asked if I could borrow his bottom bracket tool, and he said "Yes" and so I went to grab my 1995 Schwinn BMX with the chrome and the slick tires and the red anodized parts so I could ride over to his house and pick up the tool.

But when I went to get the bike I couldn't find it. 

It wasn't hanging on the hook there where it usually hangs. I walked inside the house to ask my wife if she'd seen my bike. "You mean the 1995 Schwinn BMX with the chrome and the slick tires and the red anodized parts?" Yep, that's the one.

She hadn't seen it.

I started to get very worried that it had somehow been stolen from the garage. We both walked back to the quote SCENE OF THE CRIME unquote. I stood there and thought long and hard about the situation and remembered riding the bike to school the day before to get my kids and when I had come home I had leaned it outside the garage along the fence and walked around to unlock the garage door from the other side.

And I had forgotten to bring it in.

And now it was gone - stolen! Fifteen years of beautiful memories on my 1995 Schwinn BMX with the chrome and the slick tires and the red anodized parts flashed before my eyes. I felt like jumping up and down I was so angry with myself for making such a childish mistake. I'd actually made the same mistake as a child once, forgetting to lock up my old Huffy just one time and finding it gone the next morning. I guess some lessons just have to be relearned.

Well I still needed that bottom bracket tool, so with tears in my eyes I borrowed my wife's bike and rode off down the street towards my friend's house.

Now Friends, you have to understand that the next few seconds felt like a lifetime in my head, because as I threw my leg over the saddle of my wife's bike and my feet started pedaling, the ratcheting sound of a single-speed freewheel caught my ear. And the fifteen years of memories on my 1995 Schwinn BMX with the chrome and the slick tires and the red anodized parts came flooding back for the second time in just two minutes as I looked up to see a teenage boy, one of my own neighbors, riding MY bike around the corner and heading straight for me.

Without changing course I rode directly up to the young man, slammed on the brakes, grabbed the handlebars of MY Schwinn and said, "Kid: This is MY bike. Where'd you get it?"

The young man could probably see a red anodized fire glowing in my eyes. He stepped off the bike, backed away, stammered out an apology and indicated the general direction of the quote SCENE OF THE CRIME unquote.

"Take the bike," said the Kid. "I'm sorry. I didn't know it was yours."

Well I began to tell the boy about my fifteen years of memories on that 1995 Schwinn BMX with the chrome and the slick tires and the red anodized parts and how I had realized it was gone just a few minutes ago. He said he understood and he was still very sorry, and I was still upset but I didn't see any need to call the police or talk to his father, and with a hand shake we parted ways.

I wheeled the bike inside to its proper place, took a deep breath, hung it up on the hook there, and then rode over to my friend's house to get the tool I still needed. When I got there I had to tell him the unbelievable story of how my 1995 Schwinn BMX with the chrome and the slick tires and the red anodized parts had just been stolen and recovered in less than five minutes.

I borrowed the tool and went home to finish my bike project there in the garage. 

But that's not what I'm here to tell you about.

Because I had to go to court.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You see Friends, my neighbor's son wasn't a bad kid, but my neighbor thought it was odd that a nice bike like my 1995 Schwinn BMX with the chrome and the slick tires and the red anodized parts would be discarded like a pile of garbage at the city dump.

After the kid brought it home that Friday afternoon, my neighbor thought it'd be a friendly gesture to go around and make sure that the bike didn't rightfully belong to someone else. So he had his son take him back to the quote SCENE OF THE CRIME unquote, which it turns out was not my house.

For some reason the kid thought the bike came from a house several doors down from mine. And so my neighbor and his kid knocked on the door and asked the folks there if they were missing a bike, and they said "No" and my neighbor explained his brief acquaintance with the Schwinn BMX and how our neighborhood has a neighborhood watch program and how we look out for one another. Apparently they had a nice time sharing stories on the porch there and eventually my neighbor and his son went back home.

Of course on Saturday the kid found out he'd made a mistake and apparently admitted to his father that he had found the rightful owner of the 1995 Schwinn BMX with the chrome and the slick tires and the red anodized parts. And so they went back to explain to the folks down the street that there had been a misunderstanding and that the bike situation was resolved.

But Friends, the folks down the street had already decided that this whole story about the 1995 Schwinn BMX with the chrome and the slick tires and the red anodized parts seemed sort of fishy. I mean, I mean they thought it was so fishy that they figured my good neighbor was some sort of mean nasty guy phishing for information so he could use the information against them.

So when my good neighbor tried to explain the story of how I had recovered my bike, they told him they didn't want to hear another word about it and that they were calling the police. My good neighbor didn't want any trouble so he left right away, but about a week later he was served with an anti-harassment order. My good neighbor came over and told me what was going on and asked me "Have you ever been to court?"

I'd never been court before, but I knew I needed to go with him to the hearing so I could tell the judge all about my 1995 Schwinn BMX with the chrome and the slick tires and the red anodized parts and how I'd discovered it missing from the quote SCENE OF THE CRIME unquote and then recovered it less than five minutes later.

That's what I did. We carpooled to the courthouse later that month and had fun sitting on the pew there in the courtroom waiting for our turn, listening to the other disputes and hearing about all kinds of horrible things, and when it was our turn my neighbors each stated their sides of the story and finally I was called upon to take the stand.

The judge made me raise my right hand and asked if I'd swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth and I said "I swear." And then I began to tell her about my bike project and the missing bottom bracket tool and 1995 Schwinn BMX with the chrome and the slick tires and the red anodized parts and she said, "Sir, stop it right there! I don't need to hear any more about the bike."

Well the judge decided my good neighbor was just trying to be a good neighbor, so the charges were dropped and we carpooled back home. Now I wave at my neighbor's son when I ride by on my bicycle and he waves back at me and we continue to try and be neighborly and watch out for one another. We all learned more than a few lessons over that missing 1995 Schwinn BMX with the chrome and the slick tires and the red anodized parts, but most importantly we learned that...

You can ride any bike you like, 
but lock it up right at night.

Maybe you've heard it before, or maybe you're hearing it for the first time, but there's a good chance that if you're here hearing it now, you probably have a bike that you want to keep for a long time. And if you're going to keep a bike for a long time, you need to keep track of it. So Friends, let's just sing it together one more time (with feeling) when it comes around again on the guitar...

You can ride any bike you like, but lock it up right at night.
You can ride any bike you like, but lock it up tight at night.

Ride your bike all around the block,
But when you bring it home don't forget your lock.

You can ride any bike you like, but lock it up tight at night.

Dada dada dada dada - Lock your bike! Every night!